day 6 | FIGHT for ME

i've had my heartbroken. and i've broken hearts. i've fought for what i believed in. i've fought for myself. but how should we really fight?

"if we were a DAUGHTER OF A KING, he would have fought for us." - Captivating // John and Stasi Eldredge 

think about that. only if we were sought as valuable and precious would our fathers fight for us. now, you may have a fantastic father, who would fight for you- or you be like me. and don't. left in the sand. who is he to not fight for our hearts? 

lately, i've seen girls who don't value themselves. they throw themselves at guys to get attention. is that being a WOMAN OF GOD?

guys need to fight for us! WE DON'T NEED TO FIGHT FOR THEIR ATTENTION! we are treasures!

i've wrestled and battled with this for a very long time. IF HE ISN'T FIGHTING FOR YOUR HEART, don't fight for his attention! he isn't worth the tears of not knowing the truth about his feelings. [trust me, i'm preaching to myself right now.] if he doesn't text you first, or LOVE JESUS. he's not worth the fight. 

WHO'S FIGHTING FOR WHO?!

LAAADDDDIIIIIEEEEESSSSSSSS. let me tell you. i let this boy have my heart and he seriously milked the fact that i liked him. once someone [so thankful for my sister, kelli] gave me a dose of reality, and i stopped chasing him. he let go of the fact that he can't just have me- he has to fight for me. we can't spend our time chasing things God hasn't called us to. God wants our hearts in this season of growing. He doesn't want us to be throwing it at some boy that's just going to make us wish we wouldn't have pursued that relationship in the first place.

yeah, mistakes happen. heck. i've had a relationship or two that i really regret. i told the boy a little too much or i got a little to close and he left. but thats when we look at things and say "why do i want this? i have someone fighting for my heart! and HE created the entire universe. and HE WANTS MY HEART."



we spend so much time thinking about boys and talking about and to boys and wishing they'd just ask us out already, that we don't make time for the one person who is constantly thinking about us. who is constantly wishing we'd come to Him and say "here i am. i give you all of me. i give up. boys aren't worth it." He is constantly saying, "my DAUGHTER, i want the best for you. i've saved the BEST for you. you don't have to look. you have to listen. for here I AM." 


ask yourself, is it worth it?
then ask yourself what "it" is. because to me. the answer is no. the heartbreak isn't worth it. the tears aren't worth it. the anger IS NOT worth it. but I AM is worth it. HE wants YOUR heart.



now let go. He's calling your name.

day 5 | if there were two | abandoned

last thursday [3.21] was national single parents day. i happen to have a single parent. and kudos to her for raising six kids on her own. i may be bias, but i think we all turned out pretty freakin' awesome. my parents got divorced when i was six, and before that my dad was a truck driver so we didn't see much of him. so you could say she raised us all on her own from the start. then, when i was 12 my dad passed and there was one [my dad never saw us anyways, and it seemed like he had no intentions of "coming back for us"].

you may wonder, where is my heart on the situation? i'm healing. healing is a long process. you can't just accept Jesus and expect everything to be better. because it doesn't work like that. "it take's effort to be a Christian." [James Yates] Jesus isn't magic- HE IS HEALER. 

when i was a kid- i spent hours praying, hoping, wishing upon stars, that my dad would come back for me. i had this fantasy that he'd come and pick me up and spin me around. and that he would find me CAPTIVATING. i still spend time thinking about my dad. wondering if he's in a good place. i didn't know my dad. i know things about him. i know that he was a mean man. i know that he needed a change of heart. i know that he's spent a lot of time lying through his teeth. but i didn't actually know my dad. i was so little. but i still wanted so DEEPLY, for him to come back for me. for him to hold me and love me. but he wasn't going to come back, nor will he. and i felt ABANDONED.

i've tried for so long to find love in other places to fill the void of my dad, not knowing there was someone so amazing, so great. someone who's heart is so powerful. i spent hours with boys, trying to get them to love me. when boys wouldn't love me- i ate. i gained 50 pounds. i felt ugly and unwanted. i felt hopeless. 

those words, "ugly, unwanted, hopeless, abandoned" don't define me. but i spent hours letting the enemy speak those words over me. the truth is, i am beautiful. i am wanted. i have hope. i am not abandoned. 

in a six month time frame, i lost my first nephew [Elijah McCloy, 10.10.09], my cousin committed suicide, and i lost ALL hope for my dad ever coming back. all while being bullied my first year at a "real" school. i told myself that God didn't find me worthy of loving. that i wasn't good enough. i mean, i had PLENTY of people to compare myself to, so why not?

the thing is, i spent most of my life believing lies. lies that shouldn't be spoken over me. to be honest, my heart breaks for the old me. i found pity on myself. but i've learned from everything i've gone through.

i was raised in church. i've done "the God thing" but i have only been a Christian for about three years. you know, it's really easy to fake being a Christian. cause, i know. i went to church to see cute boys, to hangout with my friends, because my mom made me. little did i know there was so much more.

go to church and actually worship for once. SEE THE HEAVENS OPEN. listen for His voice. He is there, waiting for you to enter into HIS PRESENCE! healing. restoration. revival. ALL HAPPENS IN HIS PRESENCE! that was what i didn't know.

in HIS presence i found my callings. the things He has planned for me. my life is so much more than i've ever imagined!

tell someone this week your story. see how it can impact their lives!

day 4 | my heart's cry | JEALOUS

you know that girl at school that has perfect hair, a perfect boyfriend and a perfect car? and every time you see her you say, "man, why can't i be her?"

well, that's jealousy. but WHAT IF someone was jealous for you? not jealous because of what you have in life, not your accomplishments. no, what if someone was jealous to spend time with you?  jealous to hear your heart. jealous FOR your heart. WHAT IF...

in my case- i get jealous every time i see a girl bonding with her father, him holding her, telling her he loves her. and i know that she'll have him to take her to the father/daughter dances, someone to walk her down the isle, and someone to dance with her at her wedding. but that's something i don't have.

what do you get jealous about? because everyone get's jealous. my nephews get jealous [they're 2,2,1]. even God get's jealous. His jealousy is so different from ours. His jealousy is so magnificent. because- HE IS JEALOUS FOR YOU.

think about that. the creator of all the world, is JEALOUS. not jealous cause you're jealous. no, THE KING OF KINGS IS JEALOUS FOR YOU. God gets jealous for us when we put things before Him. like boys, sports, music, friends...

i'm not trying to call you out. because i don't know who you are. i can't see through the screen. but God has convicted me of this recently. putting other thing before Him. and He laid on my heart to write about this.

my sister recently asked me "is HE enough? if everything you love got taken away from you, would HE still be enough?" she continued to list off things and people i cherish. i sat there crying my eyes out. i tell kelli everything. she's one of my best friends. if she ever moves i won't be able to handle it. i'll probably go through like 20 boxes of tissues.

but think about it, is HE enough? think about Job. everything got taken away. and STILL he followed the Lord! because God always provides! if everything got taken away from you, like Job, would you still follow the Lord knowing He'll provide?

what is it that we put before God, but refuse to admit?

i'll be honest, i put boys before God. i put other people before God and before myself. because i believe that their need's are bigger than mine. i've always been taught that. i've always had people put me before them, and i'm so thankful for that, so it was my turn to do that. but i went too far and put them before God.

what kind of changes do we need to bring to the Throne of our hearts? who/what sits there?

[this is my sister kelli. this was last week when she preached to the girls at our youth group. i'm so proud of her.]

day 3 | what makes me, me?

this is me. how many times do we say "this is me?" while really knowing who we really are?

i was sitting in accountability the other day and while ranting about something i said, 

"what makes me, me? like actually makes me, me?"

and K.O. replied, "you should figure that out. and blog about it."

i just love her. she is so fantastic. and accountability is so good. but that's a whole other story. :)

who am i? what am i doing to change the world? 

are these words that haunt you? yeah, me too. think about it.
we are WORLD CHANGERS.
where do we find our identity? cause that can affect how we change the world!

but where do we find our identity? as Christian's where are called to find our identity in HIM. but we are seek other things and other people to make us, us.

this is me. i LOOOOOVE to bake. baking is my secret getaway. when things get rough, i put on worship music and bake. 

can baking define me? does baking make me, who i am?

what verses define us? 

[these are verses that have been prayed over me or i found during a rough time. they are some of my favorites.]

proverbs 31.25 "she is clothed in strength and dignity and she laughs without fear of the future."

psalms 18.20 "God made my life complete when i place all the pieces before Him."

psalm 45.11 "the KING is enthralled by your beauty."

what do these verses say about us?

strong

dignified

complete in the name of God

beautiful

we are heirs of Christ. daughter's of the King!

i want that to define me. 

this is me. i'm an aunt. i'm "nene".

but when we look to the bottom of it, am i just nene? is that all i can do for the world?

is the only way i can make a change is getting my nephews a glass of milk?

OF COURSE NOT. i am special. i am talented. 

what about a friend's perspective?
i have been asking people all day what makes them, them. and after many replies, i finally got one that stood out, that made sense, and really truly is who she is, when you think about it!

Bethany says:: "there's so many different things that come together to make me, me... but what stands out the most to me would be primarily my personal walk with Jesus, my role currently as a daughter and sister, my love of painting and drawing, my dream of taking the gospel to people who've never even heard of Him, love of reading... SO many things.. my strengths and weaknesses, the thing that shapes me the most... what defines... are His thoughts. those moments of lingering in His presence, and glimpsing how He sees me, what He feels about me. it shapes me.

uhm, wow. that's what i've been longing to hear- the words of someone who KNOWS THEIR IDENTITY!

after talking with Bethany, then she asked me the same question. and like in the beginning when i talked to K.O. i had no idea. i sat there. but then i knew.

i said:: "my beauty because of Jesus. the way i use my talent. being a leader. my story. but MY PAST DOES NOT DEFINE ME!"

but what about you? what defines you? is it the unending love of Jesus? or something that shouldn't define you? do you let your past define you?

remember. we are heirs of Christ. 
DAUGHTERS OF THE MOST HIGH.

who doesn't want to find their identity in that?

[i'm going to challenge you. to pray about where your identity is. it is SOOOO important to know.]

day 2 | what is "love"?

there's something that we do often. but we take for granted. its something called
"love".

we say we love so many things. we go throw the word "love" around everywhere. to our boyfriends, our pets, worldly things... but what really is "love"? 

we've spent so much time believing "love" is something. what we think is "love" has wounded us. love has made us spend so many hours in tears. but what if love didn't hurt us anymore? what if love was someone who wanted the very best for us?

what if we knew from the start? what if we knew when we were young that love couldn't hurt us anymore?

love is someone. someone who treasure's you. believes in you. knows your deepest fears. who wants to hold you when your scared. He's also know as HEALER. ABBA. YAHWEH. He wants the best for you.

but love is also....
[in 1 corinthians 13] "love never gives up. love cares more for others than for self. love doesn't want what it doesn't have. love doesn't strut. doesn't have a swelled head. doesn't force itself on others, isn't always "me first". doesn't fly off the handle, doesn't keep score of the sins of others, doesn't revel when other grovel, take pleasure in the flowering of truth, puts up with anything, trusts God always, always looks for the best, never looks back, but keeps going til the end. LOVE NEVER DIES."

what if we were living out these verses? how would our daily lives change? let's find that change! 

[i chose this picture because God provides for us. the bee's that go out and get nectar provide. this is an old picture but totally one of my favorites. :) ]                         

day 1 | 7 day challenge | teaching beauty

so this is day one. day one of blogging about my art. day one of you learning my story. day one of me glorify God in a whole new way. 

i started this blog so i can share my art. my love for art. my passion for art.
 but most of all i want people to be able to see God's hand, His work- His art, through my art. 

so i'm going to take 7 days.

 a new photo every day for 7 days.

to spread the word. 

to tell my story.

so here goes. day one.

i am beauty.

this is Rain. my dog. yes, she's a mutt. but in her very own way she's beautiful.

people always tell me how ugly she is, but she's my princess.

[i was going through a really rough time when my dad died, and that's when we bonded the most. she was there when i found out. she gets really concerned when you're upset. she is always there. and always in my face. love her.]

we think so many things in life are beautiful. but are we one of them? God created us to be the beauty of the world. it's true. i think sunsets are beautiful. i think roses are beautiful. i think my dog is beautiful. but what was meant to be beautiful was us. 

psalm 45.11 says, "the KING is enthralled by YOUR beauty."

this verse is talking about YOUR beauty not the person next to you, not your sister, or your best friend, YOU! WOW. those are some serious words to let sink in.

what does enthralled even mean? it means to "capture the fascinated attention of", "enslave".

YOU CAPTURED THE ATTENTION OF THE KING WITH YOUR BEAUTY!

let these words pour over you.

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.

THE KING IS ENTHRALLED BY YOU.

and NO ONE. NOTHING. can EVER. change that! 

stay tuned for day 2!